I think I have gone through the shittest day ever today. So shitty it almost ripped me apart. It’s been ages since I have felt this extreme deep emotions and I forgot it’s been there within me all these while, gearing itself to explode on the surface so that I crumble into pieces; curling myself under the blanket – wanting to penetrate into the layers and layers of the bedding I lay myself onto so that I don’t feel this explosives of emotion tearing me up slowly.
Embrace that PAIN
Before I continue, let me make it clear to those who seems to be misunderstood in the concept of me preaching about the light, that I vowed to take on and will continually do so until a meteor decided to land on me , figuratively speaking, not to taken be taken seriously. Being light does not mean you have to be perfect. It does not mean you have to make everything else in your life fanciful, pretty, positive and perfect nor should you have such expectations. It’s not about them, or the person who just effing trashed you up into the corner of the room so you metaphorically shrink and vanish from the surface of existence. It doesn’t mean you have to fake positivity when deep within you just want to kick everyone’s asses. It doesn’t mean you won’t have flaws every single day even after you think you have gone through so many healing sessions and you’d think you’re over it until it catches you again. This is part of the journey of being human. It’s not out of the ordinary. It’s the RAW you.
Being light truly means being your authentic version of you every single moment of your life. It means you accept the person you have become so far and you know why you are here in this life by being exactly the person you are now. A true authentic manifestation of you. Being light means you are willing to take that step or path to understand about yourself more by being present in that experience you are brought on to, even if it’s in the rawest dirtiest shittiest situations that could eat you alive. Why? because you just peeled another layer of illusion we all created in this life. Being light means you are willing to go through the extreme experiences in life so that you could experience them first hand emotionally in order to teach and help others what you have gone through, not to make them avoid it but to tell them it’s okay to go through it. You survived it and so will they. It strengthens you. It made you wiser. It made a new YOU. Being light means being a miracle in your own life and in the life of others, not by sprinkling magic dust (I wish I could have this too) but by letting them become aware of why we face certain experiences and how to see and accept them as it is. All of these are meant to be no matter what you think otherwise. It will not make sense now but it will in the later parts of your journey.
Back to my story, for the past few days or a week, I’ve been getting this specific card “I can release ancient pain simply by feeling it” (from Gabby’s Miracles Now Card Deck) each time I asked for a guidance. I shuffled the card and I asked the Divine for a Jumper card (a card that accidently falls off while you are shuffling after the questions hoping for a intuitive nudge – and remember there is no accident in life). The synchronicity part of it is that I got the same Jumper card 2 days in a row, which never happened before. I was dwelling on the card and figuring how the heck am I to bring in all my suppressed ancient pains now when I don’t know how it felt like (it’s been ages I buried it). So the being light of me asked for a intervention from the Divine and asked for a guidances on how to do this so I can somehow heal the pains that I don’t remember how it felt now. I did a prayer from Sonia Choquette’s Uplifting Prayer’s book earlier this week. I didn’t touch it for quite some time but that day I felt like I want to say a prayer from the book. It took to be the bookmarked page where I left them the last time and I chanted a prayer of me finding the courage to face all the consequences that come with being who I really am. That was it, just on that one day, I chanted that prayer and then I got busy with my routines thereafter.
Today was a day of testing. It was a day the uploading of all pent-up data within me explodes on the surface. The situations and emotions that derived over the next few days after the prayer made the explosive experiences today. It was as if it was divinely orchestrated just for me to relive the outpouring of ancient pains – I am literally getting what I ask for. I suppose I needed to go through this painful experience (the one that I avoided all these years) by releasing all of my ancient pain in a dramatic way and by not piling up any more emotions in the current experiences by forgiving those who triggered it. It was not them, they are there in your life to trigger what you need to know in order to understand yourself better, perhaps in a different lense. I received a Forgiveness card – it’s an phone app that picks a card of the day for me (The Wild Unknown Tarot Card) and I sensed the connections of this message in my experiences today only later on. (me shouting : “well played, universe!”)
The trigger point was initiated. At the time, I do not know how to react to that situation. I kept silent, just as I would always do – being nice to all the confused-souls putting up a over-egoistic-human character. Damn me! Over the hours that goes by, the emotions within me started to build up. I really wanted to cry but held it back because I was not at home. Over those period, I reacted to another person or perhaps it’s the annoying character that I forgot I had it – that triggered another pent-up emotion. Oh boy! By the time I reach home, I had to control my tears from (it did teared up a little here and there during the commutes). Once I am on my bed, I started to cry, thoughts and emotions of the past pouring in clearly (and loudly) little by little – downloading itself. Effing shitty past experiences repeating itself now – in 2 different scenarios – my work life and personal life. What the heck! Is God playing with me today? I cried till the headache decided to settle on one side on my brain. Thank you for that too!
I couldn’t cope up. I was drowning in with all those emotions. I wanted to feel them and I did, and then I wanted it to go through me but it didn’t – good job Prema! You asked for it! I asked again how the heck should I release this crappy pain that feels like it’s killing me every single minutes that passes by. I can’t even sleep on it. It worked before but not now. I had this thought (intuition) to message a friend of mine (I do believe this is another releasing tool) and I told her of these emotions and the pain feelings I am struggling to release as it’s way too much for to cope and it’s like it repeated again but this time through different people. She suggested a solution to avoid or rather divert this emotions and thoughts by doing something I love. That’s when it hit me. Eureka moment. I don’t think we should ever avoid or divert it. That is exactly what I did the last several times and it kept on repeating itself again and again. I should never avoid it. Avoiding the extreme emotions is in a way signalling to the Universe that you do not want to face and go through what the experiences are meant to bring to you (this is where your soul-contract working its magic!) – and by avoiding it, in spiritual world, it means you are nicely packing it in a pretty little air-tight box and place it at those untouchable corner of your heart. The only thing is you forgot is that it doesn’t work like that. Maybe you’d think it does (perhaps it could) but if similar experiences kept on repeating itself, bringing up the same emotions, but in different scenarios with different people and perhaps years apart – then you should take notice of it. You know, the air-tight box is apparently leaking because that is what it’ll do being in your soft moisty heart (figuratively speaking).
You are not supposed to divert it or avoid it but rather embrace it. Perhaps for as long as you (want or supposed to) feel them and succumb into it’s expressiveness, pains, agonies and grievances till you hit the rock bottom and it way too much to bear, that’s when you do the releasing process. It is certainly not by avoiding it. My friend suggested accepting it. Yes, that can work but how do you really do that? Well, based on today’s experience, I talk about it. I talk about my pain, my worries, my past, my deja vu’s, my dramas, my fears, my guilt – venting it all out. Yes, it’s to another person – and I know my venting is safe is because I know she wouldn’t judge me. Talking about your pains after embracing it helps you to release them. It’s a way of you acknowledging it and accepting it and let it move through you. If you are a private person, you can certainly journal it out. Both ways work wonders. Letting it out helps you see your emotions or the situations differently. Different perspective. Different energy revolves around these extreme emotions when you peeled that layer which was obstructing your light within. You could also ask for Divine intervention (after the venting or journaling) by asking to have these pent up emotions be lifted off you and have white light be shined on you – you have to imagine the process of your request being done upon you (trust your brain power!). Trust me you will feel much better, and lighter.
Talking about it helps me alot – as well as writing about it in this blog post. It made me understand myself through my pains. It made me be more authentic by being courageous to reveal the true me to my friends, and the world. This is the real me, being light.
p/s. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be sad.This is part of our journey as well.
Love & Light
Prema Sunderam @ Being Light